What’s wrong with good intentions?

Once, a therapist told me that it didn’t matter that I had said something with the best intention. What mattered was how it was perceived. I resented that idea.

Why was it my responsibility if someone was taking what I had said the wrong way? When I mentioned this to my husband, he said: The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I didn’t get it. What was wrong with good intentions?

There is no question, good intentions are important. Our hope—to help others, to improve our lives—is at the core of our plans for the future. It drives us, motivates us. It is important to set our intentions at the beginning of any venture. Whether we reach our goal or end up in hell depends on the execution of our plan. 

It takes some time to grasp the deeper meaning of what at first sounds objectionable. The point is that our intent, no matter how good, is not good enough. Even with all our well meaning, our actions sometimes fail to result in the things we set out to achieve.

We need to consider the impact we make. That’s what matters. We learn to acknowledge when we fail. It’s not anyone else’s fault if we are mistaken. We have to make our point clear. And when we don’t achieve what we set out to do, we need to respect the reactions as a valid response.

That’s easier said than done. It’s very hard not to feel offended. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of seeing ourselves as the victim. The worst role to assume. Not only does this make us angry and helpless. Insisting we are right and have been wronged keeps us stuck.

Good intentions are important, but then we need to put in the work. No matter if verbal communication or written communication, communication is fraught with misunderstandings. Communicating is a skill. Writing is a skill. A skill we can learn. A craft we can teach. 

As a book coach, I talk about the importance of the reader. Sure, at first we write for ourselves. We write to make clear to ourselves what we write about. Once we know why we write and what we write about, we have to consider who we write for. I’m talking about our ideal reader, the one for whom we write our book.

 We all heard the expression to pick someone up where they are. We writers need a clear idea who we write for to properly address them. How we express our thoughts, our style, our choice of words – everything is based on that ideal reader.

Yes, we start with the good intention of writing a great book. And if we want readers to pick up our book, we better make sure that we have a clear vision of who that reader is. Because the better we know the person we’re writing for, the better our chances of reaching that person. We will connect with them, reach their heart and mind, and they will get us.